Is there anything more self-indulgent and aggrandising than making a list of your personal achievements over the last year? Yes, plenty. But it still makes me feel like a bellend. I’ve had to tell myself repeatedly that writing this is more an exercise for myself, to help reinforce in my mind the positive aspects of my life over the last 12 months. If other people read it and get something out of it, great. But ultimately, this post has an intended audience of one. And that’s OK. I think.
Good things that happened to me in 2014
1) I got a job at least somewhat related to my degree. The start of 2014 saw me unemployed with little hope of finding any income, which was compounding my existing depression and feelings of worthlessness. But to my continued surprise I was offered a fixed-term contract with an organisation in London, which allows me to at least occasionally use my Japanese for translations or just conversing with colleagues. It’s not perfect, but of all the jobs I’ve had it’s definitely been one of the most bearable, and it might end up being a stepping stone towards something more permanent. It won’t, but it might.
2) I moved out of my parents’ home in an East Anglian village to a room in London. I can’t pretend my current living situation is ideal- the house is in a frequent state of disrepair, the estate agents have often been slow to respond to complaints and send repairmen around, and my room is tiny. And there are plenty of alienating moments living in the city, close to millions of people but rarely interacting with any of them. But the rent’s cheap for London, and it’s quite close to where I work. More importantly, it’s been the first step in becoming more independent, having to look after myself after a long period of feeling like a child being looked after by his parents. And now that I don’t spend all of my time with my family, I find myself appreciating the moments I do spend with them a lot more.
3) I made a number of new friends and acquaintances, aided by Twitter. I’m very ambivalent about the site overall, honestly. While it can be a great tool for connecting with people from all walks of life, and discovering information and perspectives you would never be exposed to through mainstream media, this year has demonstrated how easily it can be used to harass and threaten people, particularly those already subject to marginalisation and persecution. But I’ve been lucky enough to find no end of funny, intelligent, socially engaged and compassionate people through social media, and after moving to London I was also able to meet a fair few of them in real life. I hope it goes without saying that relationships developed solely online are entirely valid, but it’s been wonderful to be able to meet people in the flesh as well. For someone struggling with low self-esteem like myself, the fact that someone was willing to make the effort to come and see me in person helps me feel as though I might be a person that others value.
4) I finally sought medical attention for an ongoing condition which had been causing me discomfort and embarrassment for months. For a long time, my depression and low self-esteem had convinced me that I did not “deserve” to seek relief from this problem, that it wasn’t serious enough to do anything about. But I eventually decided I was tired of dealing with it, and sought help from a private clinic after the NHS were unable to provide assistance. I’m glad I did. The resulting operation was unduly expensive, and caused a great deal of pain immediately afterwards. And I still resent the fact that I was unable to have this dealt with on the NHS, that people in worse financial straits than myself would have had to put up with it. But I’ve felt much better about myself since, and I hope that if anything similar happens in future I’ll be more able to value my health.
5) While my writing did slow down towards the end of the year due to both a lack of confidence in my abilities and creative block, I wrote several blog posts in 2014. One in particular achieved a certain viral presence, and resulted in wider discussion about extreme right-wing politics in heavy metal. There was some unfortunate and perhaps inevitable negative feedback as well, though I largely felt annoyed and frustrated by this rather than threatened. (It’s inescapable that as a white, straight, cisgender etc etc man, the backlash received here was minuscule compared to what others have dealt with this year, often for far less strident comments). In any case though, it felt good to have contributed in a small way to the conversations that have been happening this year around prejudiced and discriminatory politics within metal. I’m not sure if my creative block is going away anytime soon, so I’m trying not to set myself any unrealistic goals with regard to writing in 2015. But if I come up with even one post that engenders as much discussion this year, I’ll be more than satisfied.
6) I finally recorded some of the songs for my long-gestating hardcore/grindcore project Anal Gender. The resulting demos are the sketchiest of first drafts, lacking vocals, drums or indeed anything but the guitar parts I’ve written over the last couple of years. But there’s been some positive responses, and I’m hoping that this year I can recruit some band members to flesh out my ideas and maybe even start playing live. (click here for the demos in question)
7) Owing to aforementioned issues like my mental health and the medical problems in 4), I’ve not kept as fit as I would have liked this year. But again thanks to friends on Twitter, I was able to find a great gym dedicated to strength training upon moving to London. I hope to continue using it through 2015, and to regain some of my enthusiasm for powerlifting. At this point in my life, I have few illusions about becoming a champion in competitions or developing a bodybuilder’s physique, and I don’t think I really want those things anyway. But if I can end 2015 lifting even slightly heavier weights than I was at the end of this year, I’ll consider that a victory.
8) Thanks to my move to London, I was able to see far more live music in 2014 than in the two years before it. This wasn’t an entirely positive thing- most of the time I go to these shows on my own, and for whatever reason this felt especially lonely this year, which put a damper on some otherwise great gigs. Hopefully this year will include a similar number of shows, but I’m going to make a stronger effort to invite friends along with me this time.
Albums I enjoyed in 2014 (no particular order)
1) Gridlink- Longhena
2) Thou- Heathen
3) Swans- To Be Kind
4) 100 Onces- S/T
5) Pallbearer- Foundations Of Burden
6) Yob- Clearing The Path To Ascend
7) Tombs- Savage Gold
8) Panopticon- Roads To The North
9) Morbus Chron- Sweven
10) Diskord- Oscillations